To be honest, putting the next following words to paper has been difficult. Difficult because I’ve decided to speak in first person and difficult because I don’t always express exactly how I’m feeling. But in my time of writing, I’ve come across a set of really important words: ‘That which you fear writing is exactly that which you should write.’ This is important to me because writing is a form of expression. For me, most things I feel that I can’t say out loud, I put to paper.
This is raw, and this is who I am.
For quite some time now, I’ve been thinking about life to its depths. That includes death, happiness, love, sickness, health, spirituality, sexuality, and who and what I see in myself and who and what I’d like to share that with.
I overthink almost everything, and it creates both exhaustion and enlightenment. Exhaustion because my mind constantly ticks, and enlightenment because I come up with my best ideas.
Despite the fact that I’ve put a wall up, I feel deeply, and I’m drawn to connections which ignite my soul. So when I meet people and form new relationships that are less than that, it creates disappointment. You know why? Because I want to be so wild that I leave an imprint on people’s comfortable life. While some people want nothing, I want to be the fire that makes them fight for something. I guess my madness is how my soul plays with the world, and I know that there are more important things than just logic.
When that’s all mixed together, my emotions fluctuate. This is also because of my wall of cemented brick and plaster from years of building blind barriers. Now that I’ve begun knocking it down and allowing myself to heal, these emotions come up to the surface. And slowly, slowly, brick by brick, I’ll continue to open up.